Puns relating to everything that is NOT Keir Starmer

Sometimes, the way in which a sentence is stressed can make all the difference.
e.g.
“I know who that Top Cop is.

That’s Cressida Dickhead, of the Metropolitan Police.”

Oh, I’m sorry, I appear to have put the stress in the wrong place:

“I know who that Top Cop is.

That’s Cressida Dick, . . . head of the Metropolitan Police.”

Of course, the ideal name for a female police officer would be . . .

“Rozzerlin”.

Tomorrow, the weather will be bright early on, but will turn Schiffer later in the day.

Sorry, I meant to say “Cloudier”.

Do you know who I thought would’ve made an even better job of being the leading man in “The Greatest Showman” ?

Andy Circus.

Which shadowy group is responsible for Americans mispronouncing and misspelling most of their words – as, for example, when they say “Aluminum” instead of “Aluminium” ?

The Alluminati.

My girlfriend won’t go into the back garden, because I told her that she’d be mobbed by hordes of seabirds if she did.

She’s very gullible.

Which word describes someone who knows everything there is to know about angling ?

An a-fish-ionado.

Which adjective best describes a faulty U-Boat ?

Sub-optimal.

Why was is controversial for Trump to call Justin Trudeau “two-faced” ?

Of course Trudeau is.

. . . because he has got a white face,

. . . and he has got a “black-face” !

Phoebe Waller-Bridge seems to be either in, or writing, just about everything these days.

Why will no-one tell me whether she is any relation to the 1950s Italian movie star: Gina WallerBrigida ?!?

What should you exclaim if you hit your thumb with a hammer, but then realise that you’re in polite company ?

“OH FUCKgoodness sake!”

[Oh, for goodness sake, do you have to have it explained to you ?]

Are the people who keep saying that the next Covid jab is going to be even better than the last one guilty of “Boosterism” ?

Dictionary definitions:

urolagnia: Sexual arousal where someone takes pleasure from being urinated on.

Eurolagnia: Where someone takes a perverse pleasure in seeing their country being pissed all over by the E.U.

My friend doesn’t know which fashion house “Tommy Sport” is part of.

He’ll figure it out eventually, I suppose.

What do you call a U.S. police detective who steals from every crime scene he visits ?

“Loot-enant”.

Q: What did Camilla ask Joe Biden at Cop26 ?

A: “Have you got fart to go ?”

I know that we have our differences with the current French President, but was it really necessary to name a whole new virus after him ?

Omacron.

What did the Italian say when he gave up cannabis ?

A-reefer-derci.

Why is the Netherlands a monarchy ?

Shouldn’t it be a “Grand Dutchy” ?

Q: The citizens of which European country take the longest to do the housework?

A: Slow-vac-ia.